Uncertainties in my life

                            There has to be certainty in life. Uncertainty is the antithesis of the mind. Mind needs security. Mind equates insecurity with death. Death of the mind will be resisted at all costs by the mind. Hence we see the agitation caused due to perceived insecurity.

 

                        This insecurity expresses itself in the areas of finance, relationships, daily living, etc. Let me consider the aspect which has haunted me the most. The one related to the job market and employability. I don’t know how I got into this conundrum. I definitely know intellectually that I was not in control of my life at any point in life, but the mind hasn’t understood this and is not mature enough currently to understand the gravity of this statement.

 

                        I was caught in the current UPSC exam preparation and lost almost 8 years to this. Again I should not call this lost as nothing is lost or gained here in this world. All is pre-decided. But considering this puny mind that it is, they are lost, for the corporate world, they are certainly lost. 8 years is a huge gap that cannot be justified anywhere in the world. Though now I have a secure job environment currently as the business development manager at Pyramid Valley International Bangalore. But I cannot stay here for long. My wife is pregnant, and will have the child soon after a few months, then she can't stay here, as there are very less facilities here. If she isn’t here then I cannot also reside here permanently. I will have to come and go repeatedly. Can I afford to do this? I don’t know. Then another issue is of the low salary. With the expansion in the family, I will need more funds to satisfy the family needs. I cannot ignore the value richness and happiness that money brings with it.

 

                            Hence there are several reasons as to why I will need to move on next year. But the question is where shall I go. I don’t know currently. Should I opt for a family business back home at Jabalpur? Should I look for data analyst/scientist roles elsewhere? Should I go to Shashi Dhar gowda shoper company for the employment of me and my wife? There are big questions and the answers to which I cannot see currently. Perhaps it is in my best interest to not know them and know only when they appear in front of me.

 

                            The best option is to trust what respected Shri Atmananda, my guru has said, and that is nothing is in my i.e. body-mind control because body and mind are the dead objects of the alive consciousness, hence body-mind cannot know anything. It’s the awareness that knows everything. Then the mind must trust awareness for every answer and not cry for every situation.

 

Some Observations of my Personality

 

I started this new job at Pyramid Valley International on January 23, 2023, with the hope that apart from getting to do regular work on campus, I shall get time to do my personal spiritual work. This would definitely be a go-to ‘new life starter’ project and sticking to it I will change my life completely based on this, in terms of discipline in health, professional work, career, practice, sleep, and eating routines.

 

However to my surprise, as I look back at my stay here in the past 8 months, I have found that I have degraded the most in this time here as I have never done anywhere. I completely lack discipline, I have actually lost my appetite to do breathing exercises that I did so enthusiastically during the COVID times, sometimes even twice a day. Now it's easily a week that I miss without regret.

 

It's incredible for me. I cannot even imagine what I have become. I never thought that I would come to this stage. But here I am, and I must find a solution to it. I have thought over it before also but this hasn’t seeped into my understanding. I don’t know what realization I would require for it to be a permanent crystallization in me, because only after certain crystallization of information that a change in the course of action take place.

I have my habit tracker with me. I sometimes fill those enthusiastically and at other times probably 4-5 days at a stretch don’t touch it as if it was never a part of my life. I am beginning to see the shortcomings of my personality. This body-mind of mine is very fickle, it never sticks to something and completes it. How should I change it? Is it possible to change it?

Scriptures say it is not possible to change it. One can only watch as a witness, and the body and mind play out their predefined role, so should I just do nothing and become free? In one way it’s a relief. In another way, it is frightening because you cannot do anything. Despite seeing the shortcomings of yours you are not doing or rather not being able to do anything because you cannot do anything.

This is crazy. Just be a witness then. I have some more things to comment on my body-mind functionality. I have found some traits of behavior in my relationships with my relatives. I shall speak of them later in maybe another post. For now goodbye.