undefiniteness

I have been struggling emotionally for quite sometime now. My inner energy to keep me balanced has been shaky, minor things now bother me. Keep me off my track. Only if I could rebalance in near future in quick time, I would set apeace with my life.

My usual days and nights are spent watching one thing or the other in the much hated but much required laptop. Seeing one thing creates an unquenchable thirst for the other, hence creating the vicious cycle, that I never wanted to be in, but somehow I find myself there.

Much as I idolize Rafael nadal, for his desire to win and never say die attitude, I have been able to absorb him to nullity. All day I crave for such a moment when that peak desire shall strike me but it has kept me waiting and had led me to write and think about myself.

Writing is supposedly my freetime practice now. Unable to do other things when my mind seems unstable, creating a bolg perhaps is an escape. everytime I complete a single line writing I look at the no. of words I wrote, perhaps because I have cultivated this habit of answer writing for the ias (mostly I write answer in ms word)..

Thinking and writing keeps my mind busy and doesn’t gives space for daydreaming and about the negative thoughts that  have besieged me for a length of time now. I have meantime read a lot about the different types of yoga, Indian philosophy and the holy bhagawad geeta. Emphaised mainly among the three as well as common among them is the theory of karma yoga, it is said to be the easiest pathway to achieve salvation or nirvana among all the yogas.

Yet I have been unable to crystallize and filter it into my body. Perhaps the material desires are not in any mood to leave me alone. Craving for is the only thing I can do. However one thing enlightens me that Buddha was said to be the last person to successfully practice the karma yoga and hence rightly being called as the enlightened soul.

My mind strikes different strikes this chord now very often that what is this liberation or the nirvana and what would the world be or rather look like through an enlightened person. These are high philosophical questions which are in my to do list before I leave this planet.

But why am I drifting here, I came here to write about the unholy state of my mind. Perhaps I don’t want to talk about it or perhaps I always seek an escape out of everything, I still do not know.

Nevertheless I have decided that from tomorrow I will start taking care of my physical body. It seems like it has been years when I paid attention to my physique. In the absence of regular exercise it has grown weak, fragile lazy and has emaciated a lot. A die hard physical person has been changed to exercise averse person in this mind training and knowledge gaining period. Perhaps only I and me could be blamed for this and nobody else.

Quite a time back also I had planned to start afresh on the exercise hitting thing but it had also like all other posotve and good things have bitten dust. I have also decide to start following time table now. Starting with a lenient one, but strictly increasing to regular one is my aim now. I only hope that this will keep me disciplined and workaholic and not keep my mind idle for all the fuzzy and useless thoughts that always drag me back and keep me aloof from my much desired goal.

I have also decided to go through the meditation process, in a way to notice me know myself better.starting with breathing exercises and then lighted candle exercise after a little practice.

Its very late now and this I suppose is long time after when I am awake to this hour. But anyway as long as the work remains productive I have no objection. Its been again pastime activity when my mind kept busy and I left nothing for the brain to be filled with dirt. So it was good. I suppose now everytime when I feel this way, we will meet. But till then I have a good bye for you.